My Newest Undertaking

In order to make Ms. Chi happy, I must inform you that neither Obama, Clinton, nor Edwards will be America’s next president; I am. Through an interesting series of events, some of which are related to English blogging assignments, I have just arrived in the Oval Office. (Probably the first time a green card-holder has received this privilege.) There are three important items that must be taken care of right away, and I intend to carry them out immediately:

(1) Doctors in residency must not work more than 80 hours a week.

(2) National debt must be reduced to a pronounceable number.

(3) “Modern” methods of producing dairy and meat must be replaced

Lofty goals yes, but for an aviator like me the sky is the limit. It is vital that these issues are dealt with. Doctors in residency are subjected to extreme fatigue that is no doubt reflected in their treatment of patients. Who wants to die in the hospital just because Dr. John Doe didn’t get enough sleep last night? I will be sending the FAA over to the FDA to give them a few pointers on the need of proper rest. (The FAA can’t afford to be killing hundreds of people through fatigue-related accidents, unlike our nation’s hospitals.)

Now on to national debt. The plan is to provide every American with a low-cost CO2 collection device. Through breathing into this device for an hour a day, Americans will reduce millions of tons of CO2 emissions. Revenue will be generated through selling this valuable greenhouse gas to Iran to aid in their new alternative fuel program.

Now, after giving everybody more years to live and more money to spend, I must make sure that health is imparted to everyone. Many Americans subsist on meat and dairy; what they don’t know is the methods by which these manufactured products make it to their table. Through rigid legislation I will bring back meat and dairy that is not saturated with hormones and diseases. My goal is to make everyone wiser about what they put in their mouths.

With these three bold steps, I plunge into the thick of the battle. With these three actions I will make every man and woman in the U.S. healthier, wealthier, and wiser. And with these three decisive deeds I commit myself to the service of the American Nation.